Too Close to the Wind - by Cate Hensen, Cardinal McKeefry School
SJ October 2011
Harold gave us a gap-toothed smile as he pulled up outside the cottage.
“Thought
I might give you a tour of the farm,” he said. I took in his battered
Swanndri, his gumboots caked in Canterbury mud, his unshaven face, his
one gold tooth, and the mud splatters on his ute. Harold followed my
gaze.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’d better take her in for a warrant. She’s due for one...”
Mum’s
eyes widened in shock, and she looked longingly back at the cottage
door, where the cat was standing guard. Harold opened the passenger
door and hastily kicked aside a jumble of lolly wrappers, gumboots,
pellets, batteries, and chalk, then motioned for us to get in before
moving round to the driver’s side. With a couple of dull thuds, the ute
sprang into life.
We
jolted along the uneven farm track, bobbing over ruts and potholes.
Fences bent by the fierce wind and khaki-brown hills flecked with
wandering sheep and shrivelled gorse rolled past my window like film on a
loop. The clouds - old men with wispy beards - were travelling slowly
across the sky as we moved into higher country.
We
lurched to a halt on a steep hill, and Harold leapt out to open the
last of the rusty farm gates. “I usually make the kids get out here,”
he yelled over his shoulder, “cos you just dunno what’s gonna happen.
But I’ve put the handbrake on. You’ll be sweet as.”
The
gate creaked as he kicked it open. In front of us was a narrow
bulldozer track. Harold climbed back into the ute. Once again, we were
on our way. I looked at the little green numbers on the dashboard
clock. They were telling me we’d been up there for an hour and a half.
“Oh,” said Mum, suddenly noticing the rifle behind us.
“Don’t
worry, it’s not loaded,” said Harold. He picked it up, left one hand
on the steering wheel, and stuck his head - and the gun - out the
driver’s window.
Mum’s shoulders clenched, and the colour drained from her cheeks.
“You
know,” said Harold casually, “there’s a boar up here that’s really
bothering me. It’s been eating a couple of sheep a night. It could
tackle a grown man, no sweat. If you see it, let me know.”
We
passed a rundown sign with letters missing and paint peeling off.
“We’re up 1096 metres now.” I could hear the faint hint of glee in
Harold’s voice. “Look, 3300 acres,” he went on proudly. “My baby.” He
gestured towards his empire of dead flat paddocks, with dark green
raffia pines and regal mountains in the distance. The ute jerked
forward as Harold put the handbrake on and jumped out. Mum gripped the
seat with white knuckles and muttered a Hail Mary under her breath.
Meanwhile,
Harold had decided to play weatherman. He licked his little fingers
and stuck it up into the buffeting wind. He paused for a moment,
scratching his sharp grey stubble, and then nodded. “You really don’t
want to be up here when it rains. It gets a bit unhealthy.”
As
if on cue, raindrops began to fall like tiny shards of glass, stabbing
the muddy ground. “We’d better turn back,” I heard him chuckle softly
to himself as he climbed back into the ute.
I think that this story had great descriptive language and inventive vocabulary in the description of the farmer and the farm. The way that it was building up the tension with the mum “Her eyes widened in shock” and “Mum’s shoulders clenched and the colour drained from her face”. I thought that it was building up to a climax or twist but in the end nothing really happened. This was disappointing because it set the scene really well.
ReplyDeleteI think the author is trying to achieve a feeling of suspense, they do this really well but as I mentioned before it doesn’t lead to anything. Something from this piece of writing I think could help improve my writing is that the author only used language that is necessary and no more.
This is fantastic feedback. You have analysed the the story extremely well. I really like how you have commented on what you think the author wants to achieve.
Deletei really like this descriptive master piece i think its really clever the way it really gives you that image in your head .EG. "As if on cue, raindrops began to fall like tiny shards of glass, stabbing the muddy ground" and "with dark green raffia pines and regal mountains" super descriptive . this short storie also broadcasts the characters personality very well .EG "“You know,” said Harold casually, “there’s a boar up here that’s really bothering me. It’s been eating a couple of sheep a night. It could tackle a grown man, no sweat. If you see it, let me know.” hes quite casual and cool about the whole situation .. overall i think this short story is very good id give it a 8/10 for great discriptin and good use of words - mike
ReplyDeleteToo Close to the Wind
ReplyDeleteI like how in the start it paints the picture of the scene in your mind because you can tell it is a good story when you can see the picture in your mind as you read.What i loved about this story is that you wanted to read more writing as you got more involved in it.The most descriptive line to paint the picture in your mind was when it said E.g.: Mom's shoulders clenched, and the colour drained from her cheeks.The clever part of the story was when E.g.: “Oh,” said Mum, suddenly noticing the rifle behind us.“Don’t worry, it’s not loaded,” said Harold. He picked it up, left one hand on the steering wheel, and stuck his head - and the gun - out the driver’s window. It is the most interesting part because it make you think about it, I think it is good when you ask your self about the story.. I think the author purpose of the story is to think about the text and not just leaving the story not understanding it. To get the story you have to read the story a couple of times to get the cleverness of the writing. The moral of the story was not to underestimate people because of what they could do because people do crazy things. When I write my own short story this writing will give me ideas on good language and description as well as how to set the scene and to paint a picture in the readers head. To grab the reader's attention, make a weird paragraph with purpose to get the mind going but making it not obviously crazy!
The story has a hookin that makes the reader want to read on, starting off with the character description giving some suspicion to the reader e.g; “I took in his battered Swanndri, his gumboots caked in Canterbury mud, his unshaven face, his one gold tooth, and the mud splatters on his ute and suddenly noticing the rifle behind us”. There is also a mystery to it so you think something’s going to happen nearly every sentence, which makes the reader want to move on. There is also personification e.g; “The clouds old men with wispy beards” You can also see that he knows a lot about farming because he could have just as easily written and shrivelled flower instead of and shrivelled gorse.
ReplyDeleteThis writing has an immense amount of language features and plenty of description to set the scene e.g ‘’Fences bent by the fierce wind and khaki-brown hills flecked with wandering sheep and shrivelled gorse rolled past my window like film on a loop.’’ This writing also would have different kinds of sentences that extends to also add tension to the story e.g ‘’ Harold opened the passenger door and hastily kicked aside a jumble of lolly wrappers, gumboots, pellets, batteries, and chalk, then motioned for us to get in before moving round to the driver’s side. With a couple of dull thuds, the ute sprang into life.’’ The writer setted up the scene really well and it was incredibly descriptive. However perhaps there is too much description that confused me slightly. This can improve my writing by knowing the limits of the description and focusing on using sentence extensions.
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ReplyDelete‘Too Close The Wind’ is a clever masterpiece. I like how the writer included so many good describing words E.g: “Harold gave a gap-toothed smile”. I also enjoyed the clever lists of character descriptions E.g:“His gumboots caked in canterbury mud, his unshaven face, his one gold tooth.” I liked how it made me see the guy in my head as I read the great story. I also liked how he included many good language features. It really pulled the reader in and made the reader want more. These language features include, E.g: “Fences bent by the fierce wind and brown hills flecked with wandering sheep.”. Another thing I liked that there aren't too many characters in the story. There is only about three. The way I would use this in my writing would be to keep the reader wanting more by having not too many characters, a problem and a way to solve it, good descriptive language and of course, every word must be an important one.This is an immensely good read.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree wit you Sarah, “Harold gave a gap-toothed smile” Showed me exactly what he looked like. I also recommend it to everyone.
DeleteToo Close to the wind.
ReplyDeleteI kind of liked the story, it was really descriptive but it didn't really have a twist apart from “oh it’s raining we better turn back”
I really like the vocab through the whole story E.G gap-toothed,mud splatters and wispy beard. I also really liked the description and the use of more exciting words E.G.- “We lurched to a halt” instead of we stopped. This story is not one of my favourite short stories because it didn't hook me in at the start. It is something I can learn off but I wouldn't want to read in my own time. Just because it has really good description doesn't make it a really good short story but the descriptive words does make it a better story.It didn't really hook me in. It wasn't that exciting and I didn't really know what the story was about.I think it ended on a really good line it said raindrops began to fall like tiny shards of glass, stabbing the muddy ground.
I liked how the writer has used a lot of adjectives in the story. e.g gap-toothed smile, shrivelled gorse and buffeting wind. Also there is the right amount of characters in this story, none of them don’t need to be there. I could definitely picture the scene in my head which helped me tell what the story was trying to show. I could read it in one sitting which was good as well. There were a few other really good examples of scene settings : Fences bent by the fierce wind and khaki-brown hills flecked with wandering sheep and shrivelled gorse rolled past my window like film on a loop. The clouds - old men with wispy beards - were travelling slowly across the sky as we moved into higher country.
ReplyDeleteAlso I didn’t see much metaphors and similes which I think this story needs so they need to be put in. This story really showed me how a short story should be written and I will look back at it if I need help. I think that the purpose of the writing is don’t trust someone that you don’t know but if it is safe try not to back out of doing stuff.
This is a great and descriptive story eg gumboots caked in Canterbury mud.instead of saying that he stepped in the mud ,you said the gumboots caked.I liked the personification you used eg ute sprang into life.I liked the metaphor you used eg Mum’s shoulders clenched, and the colour drained from her cheeks.It maked you think more deeply about how mum was feeling.I like how you described how he was holding the seat eg gripped the seat with white knuckles.Which showed you how hard he was gripping onto the seat.I didnt like how you didnt put a twist or a hook-in.I like how you set the scene really well eg uneven farm track, bobbing over ruts and potholes that described the road.I think that you put more words than needed which made the story really confusing.I will link this to my writing by using only word that I need to use words
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